Lemons

So today life handed me some lemons...........

Went for my 11-13 week sono for downsyndrome - Jules took Matteo to swim lessons and Chloe May stayed with me.   Early on in the pregnancy I'll never forget (2 days pre-finding out I was pregant), I was at a puppet show with Matteo & Chloe and they were both on my lap and the strongest feeling came over me that I had all 3 of my children with me there in that moment.  Then of course I got the postive test, the strong sono, sharing the happy news - but then I started to tell Grandma I don't feel pregnant/didn't think I was.  And then the neighbor told Jules about her daughter who had a m/c in early Spring and she never felt pregnant and what a bad sign that was.  But my body never showed me the secret it was hiding  - - - it didn't need to - - I'm a Mommy.  So getting up on the table today, having the tech pour the jelly on my belly I told her I was nervous, things didn't feel right - naturally she calmed my fears........ searched for signs of life........told me we would need to do a different sono - - and confirmed indeed we had lost the baby. 

My heart broke & in that moment all I could think of was I need my mom's voice and Sarah's arms around me.  So I called grandma at work - and when they went to get her I got disconnected so when I called back Grandma picked up and I remember clear as day saying "Is this Adriennne ******", to which she replied "Yes."  (you see, I could not say "Mom" - as I could not get out the words - so I shut down and went into professional mode).  And I sobbed just apologizing for calling her at work - but I knew I just needed her voice - 100 miles away, her voice soothed me.

And then there was Sarah, I left her two vms - and she called back - allowing me to stop by.  But first I had to tell Jules  - so I went to the beach - and told him.....saying he was shocked is mild - but I asked him to keep Matteo and allow me 30 minutes to process at home.  And I stopped by Sarah's house - and I'll never forget she gave me the tightest hug and then I looked in her eyes and she had tears, as if she felt my pain and understood - tears as if she lost a friend - and just that hug and those tears, man how they held me over until of course Grandma and Gramps came.

That's right, though I told them not to, they left work and came - because you know what that is what mother's should do - even when told not to.  I needed Grandma and she was there - Gramps too (certainly not to lessen his role) - - how does Grandma always know.

Like I said today life gave me lemons and though I should start on my lemondae, today I think I will just sit and cry.

On a "life doesn't stop note" - Daddy informed me he actually sits and watches/listens to Matteo's swim class (whereas I sit down the beach with Chloe with the other parents out of earshot though).  APPARENTLY on this very day, Matteo got two "strikes" while in class.  According to Matteo 1) this is not uncommon and 2) he is the only one in class who gets them...... to which I replied what if you get three strikes and he says "you have to try really really hard" - to which I asked what CAUSES a strike...... to which he replied "if you don't get the biggest rock" - - - really Matteo??  :-)  Thanks for bringing the sun back into my day.

PS - let's play a number game: 7/27/08 miscarriage number one; 8/5/09 - bring Chloe home from hospital one year (to the day) after having my first D&C; 7/28/11 - miscarriage number three.  That one week period from July to August is certainly a roller coaster one for me - check back next year to see what happens in 2012!